I have a weird relationship with competition. I’ve been thinking a lot about this since Tuesday’s Zoom panel for Ruchika Tulshyan’s forthcoming book, Uncompete. Even on the call itself, I felt like my answer was pretty shallow and wished I could’ve answered it differently. I just didn’t know how I wanted to answer it. It wasn’t until my flight home that it started to come to me. Here’s the answer I wish I would’ve given: I’m grateful for my parents for infinite reasons, but one of the main ones is that they rarely played the comparison game. It sounds small, but it’s a major deviation in South Asian culture (both in India and in the diaspora). That’s not to say that others weren’t comparing me to my cousins and peers in their friend group. Of course they were, on matters that ranged from absurd (how many stanzas of a certain bhajan we knew) to downright harmful (colorism, caste, my figuring out who I wanted to be amidst the expectations others had for me). The expectations one was a particularly stressful one for me and my parents, and we all coped differently. My mother even went so far as to “change” my name and called me Meenakshi (mind you, I was 19). According to her eldest sister, all of my attitude and poor choices were because my name didn’t share the starting sound of my nakshatra (star I was born under), Magha. Mom called me Meenakshi for 6 months. I can look back on this moment with a chuckle and gratitude that this was the most extreme memory of being compared or put into competition with someone else. Whenever I’ve been put into a direct competition, I was never really gunning for the top spot. I always aimed for the top area (usually second place, 2 is my lucky number), and felt successful when I landed in the top 3 or the top 5%. My parents have always modeled “there’s room for all of us to succeed” mindsets, and it was my norm until I started actively competing in high school (sports, debate, for grades), in my first career in tech sales, and even falling into the competition trap in weak moments. It was a gift to be raised with an active un-compete mindset, but it’s a practice to retain it. I’ve certainly fallen into the competition/comparison trap when We’re Speaking came out, and when I struggled to raise a Series A and shifted efforts to a licensing deal. I’m embarrassed to admit that I felt a fair amount of it during Diwali season, feeling all sorts of negative anxiety when I scrolled through parties I wasn’t invited to. Is maturity being able to admit these feelings publicly? I’m going to say yes. I’m also going to use these feelings to pivot into actively uncompeting: acknowledge, celebrate, and reaffirm what success is for me. “I’m so glad they got to attend that event. They looked fantastic, let me give this post some love. I’m so glad I was able to be home with the boys and have a cozy family evening. It was a great night.” “Hell yes, my friend hit a bestseller list! Let me text her. Then it’s time to visit my hype file.” I have an incredible hype file memory for We’re Speaking that I revisit often. The book came out the same week we signed our licensing deal for Rhoshan Pharma. A few months later, the Hyloris team was in the States for an in-person kickoff meeting. Their COO (who lives in the Austrian mountains) told me he got a copy of the book, really enjoyed it, and that it’s helped him be a better manager for the women on his team. Whenever I find myself slipping into a publishing comparison or competition trap, I pull up the screenshot of the text I had sent myself immediately after he shared these words, and really sit in gratitude with them. I’m not interested in being in a room or at a table where there’s only room for one of us, or where success has a narrow, rigid definition. Reminding myself of that is as important as building the new tables and rooms, and redefining success from a place of abundance. In the spirit of actively uncompeting, let me share a bit about each of the women on the panel and how you can support her:
Are you competitive? Do you fall into the comparison trap? Catch up on the latest:
things i’m loving right now
If you enjoyed this weekend’s letter, please consider:
Wishing you a wonderful Sunday. xo,
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how to uncompete
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